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I don’t understand why people keep complimenting me on my excellent eyeliner-applying skills when I have no idea what they’re talking about. The only products of make-up I own are my Maybelline Compact refill, Benefit Posie Tint and Body Shop Born Lippy. And I wear the first two every other day, otherwise I’d break out. Occasionally, I pull out my Body Shop Tea Tree Concealer stick for that. I’d love to learn to put on make-up, I like what they do to someone’s features when applied correctly, but I don’t have that option and frankly, I don’t have the talent.

“Galing mo mag-lagay ng eyeliner, paano yan?” Whenever I say, “Wala ako eyeliner.” they roll their eyes like I’m just pretending, the way girls with tinted cheeks like to pretend they’re just naturally flushed. I’m not just talking about today or in the past days, I have been receiving this remark since college and I still don’t understand why. I’ve tried Googling this several times (keywords: what does it mean when someone tells you you have eyeliner and you don’t) and I still have no answer. I risked asking this question once to one of the people who said it and she said, “Mukhang singkit, intsik, parang may linya sa dulo.”

Gee, thanks for pointing out one of my insecurities. Honest? Being called chekwa, inchik, chinita, singkit doesn’t make me feel better about my physical appearance. Well, it doesn’t really bug me all that much, I don’t pay much attention to my looks anyway. Just that when I care to analyze (there are days) I start to realize everything that’s wrong- my nose is too big, my forehead too wide, my skin too sensitive and not at all nice and now my eyes are chinky. It doesn’t make me look Filipino and it doesn’t make me look Chinese. I look like an afterthought. I look like one out of an assembly line of, oh, how many Chinese are there in the world?

Anyway, I guess I’ve been getting a lot of these Intsik remarks now that I have bangs again, plus my hair’s gone back to straight. They call me “Mikai” here at work and I had to ask who that is and again, I received some eye-rolling as if to say, “Please don’t pretend you don’t know.”

I’m still annoyed that I can’t get a haircut yet and there are waves on my hair. First world problems, you say. I know. And I don’t have any real reason to complain.

I’m just having a bad day.

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